


Domestic Bliss

by Emcee



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Babies, Crack, M/M, Not Serious, Parenthood, Parody, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-05
Updated: 2013-03-05
Packaged: 2017-12-04 09:50:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/709390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emcee/pseuds/Emcee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock and his Jawn are desperate for babies. They have baby fever. How can they take care of this when they both hate the lady girly things so much?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Domestic Bliss

**Author's Note:**

> I've read one too many bad babyfics and this happened. And then I was encouraged to post it.

Once upon a time, Sherlock Holmes and John Watson were having sex. They were having lots of sex. They were having ALL THE SEX. 

Suddenly, in the midst of a position that would make Cirque du Soleil boggle, Sherlock stopped. "Jawn, I want a baby!"

"A baby, my precious?" John asked. "When did this happen?"

"The moment I realized how absolutely gay I was for you! A man cannot be gay if he does not desire to have a baby. And Mycroft is lording it over me how he gets to be father to Lestrade's children, ever since Lestrade left his wife and she fell off a cliff! I want to give you the same joy! Oh, if only I could bear it for you! But alas, my experiments have been for naught! We will have to use..." He cringed. "A woman."

"A woman?" John nearly threw up. He couldn't stand the idea of women. How he had wasted so much time with them, trying to sublimate his feelings for Sherlock. "But I hate those things!"

"But we must, my love," Sherlock sighed. "Because it totally makes sense to my character to want to settle down!"

John gave his husband a tender kiss. "Then we will find one of those horrible lady things and give you a baby. But for now, the sexxor." 

* * *

 

So John and Sherlock asked Molly Hooper to be their surrogate mother. She happily agreed, because it is not at all physically or emotionally traumatizing to carry a baby that you know you're going to give up. She was also a huge fan of the boylove and shipped John and Sherlock so very hard. It turned out her love for Sherlock was nothing but a want to see him bang John hard.

John was to be the actual father of the baby, because Sherlock was tots squicked out by the idea of his seed being inside of Molly, even if it was put there by in vitro fertilization.

* * *

So Molly was now pregnant with John's baby and just stayed out of the way and gestated like a good little uterus.

She was about to pop when suddenly, Irene Adler showed up on the doorstep of 221B with a baby boy in her arms. The baby had Sherlock's stunning ice blue cobalt eyes and curly inky black raven hair. "Mister Holmes, this is yours."

"Oh no!" Sherlock began to sob because he had hurt his Jawn so. "I never wanted you to find this out, Jawn! The Woman tricked me into having sex with her! But I thought of you the entire time and cried out your name as I reached my unsatisfying climax. It is only satisfying when I am in your sweet booty."

"Yes, he is right," Irene said. "But we still ended up with this baby. Because despite being portrayed as a high-class prostitute with a specialty in BDSM and blackmailing rather than just a dominatrix, I know absolutely nothing about birth control! I could never go through with an abortion, despite being on the run from everyone and it making complete sense. Rather, I went to term and will just dump it on your doorstep immediately!"

Irene thrust the baby into Sherlock's arms and fled. As she was going down the street, she was shot by an assassin or something.

"Oh my child," Sherlock said. "Jawn, can you ever forgive me?"

"Of course I can, my angel!" John said. "That wicked woman tricked you into it. Oh, you cannot trust those ladytypes! And now, we will have TWO children to lavish our affection on."

"We will call him Hamish Watson-Holmes!" Sherlock declared. "And I will be his Papa and you will be his Daddy and we will never mention whats-her-name again!"

Just then, they got the text that Molly was in labour. Since women have only a five percent chance of surviving childbirth, Molly ended up totally dead.

John held his son, who looked like a miniature version of him-- since all babies look like clones of their father's and inherit nothing from their mother's side. "I am just glad both of our children ended up being boys," John sighed in relief.

Sherlock nodded sagely. "Who wants to deal with those girly bits? Not me!"

John sighed once again. "I want to call him Hamish as well."

"He shall be Hamish Holmes-Watson!" Sherlock cried, still holding Hamish Watson-Holmes. "It seems only right!"

And then they kissed. And dumped the babies with Mrs Hudson who was totally happy to be their nanny because she shipped it so hard. But rather than go off on a case, they just went off to go have hot sex.

In the midst of it, Sherlock stopped. "Jawn, do you know what I just realized?"

"What is that, my dove?"

"Our babies are not blood related at all!"

John smiled. "Of course! And everyone knows that two children that are raised together will totally fall in love and it won't be emotionally damaging at all for them to have hot sex, because they know each other so well!"

"Oh Jawn," Sherlock whispered. "I ship it."


End file.
